Defense

      As soon as we knew about Cash's diagnosis I went straight to the internet. I needed all the information. If I'm being honest, I actually had to look up the definition of Autism. I had no prior knowledge, nor did I know anyone on the spectrum. After I gathered information, I then started to look for support groups.  
As a person who has been in recovery from alcoholism for the past 21 years, I find support very important. Touching base with people who are going through similar situations helps you know you're not alone. But just like my alcoholism, it became very clear how individualized everyone's journey is. I found myself doing the same thing I did early on in my recovery, which is living my life on the defense. I was so scared I was going to relapse that as soon as I met people, I had to let them know I didn't drink.  I would basically be like "Hi, I'm Meg I don't drink". Um, guess what?? No one cared. That is how I handled my fears and insecurities and I found myself doing the same for Cash. 

     I remember specifically being at the playground. He was stuck in a script at the time. The kids and adults were looking at him kind of funny. It made the kids a little confused, so they didn't interact with him. Naturally, I got defensive. I quietly said to the mom, "he is on the spectrum". She gave me a gentle nod and smile and went about her day. In that moment I knew that was the last time I needed to do that. Cash was being Cash and that is okay. People will react good, bad or indifferent. I heard an awesome quote so many years ago that has stuck with me. "What other people think of me is none of my business". It is very freeing and easy when it applies to me. But when it comes to your child, easier said than done.

     Then, I met a mom at the amusement park who I think was in the beginning of her journey. We were in line for ice cream and her two sons were buzzing around her. Cash was doing the same to me. She looked at me and said, "they're autistic," I smiled and said, "so is he". We laughed and exchanged some pleasantries. She was kind and sweet. She gave me all the information on the park as far as special bracelets so he doesn't have to wait in line, and quiet spaces for rest if he is overwhelmed. I love these unexpected moments. What a gift from God to find this connection all while waiting for some ice cream. I am so thankful that over time my defenses have come down. Had I not been open to a conversation, I would have missed out on this opportunity to connect with this other mom.